Sermon – Vayishlach (Power of Touch)

Written by Rabbi Hannah Kingston — 5 January 2021

Touch is a key part of our lives. From the moment we are born, it is our primary language, it becomes the way we show affection and compassion. Studies have shown that positive touch has many benefits for our mental health. Touch can activate the body’s vagus nerve and promote the release of dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin, all of which help us to feel better. A simple touch allows us to bond, to form links of trust and to reduce our anxiety. Touch is a proven stress reducer, helping us to feel safe and not under threat.

 

We used to touch with such nonchalance, never even pausing to think before putting a hand on someone’s back, opening our arms for a hug, giving a kiss on the cheek. These were every day, incidental gestures that we took for granted.

 

Yet over the past 9 months we have been unable to touch in the casual way we are used to. For many of us we have been starved of physical contact, not even able to embrace our loved ones who live outside of our own bubbles. Now touch is contentious and potentially life threatening.

 

With a vaccine on the horizon, touch becomes possible again in ways unknown to us for so long. But we need to recognise that human touch may not be something everyone is comfortable with. For many a return to a world of casual touch may feel anxiety provoking, not everyone will return to their previous baseline of comfort at the same rate. For some, it is possible that our customs of handshaking and hugging will be permanently changed to more non-tactile greetings.

 

This week in parashat Vayishlach we see the dire consequences of unsolicited touch, as we read of the rape of Dinah and the relations between Reuben and Bilhah. Those who gave the touch are punished, Reuben never receives his birthright and Shechem is brutally murdered. The receivers of unwanted touch, Dinah and Bilhah, become voiceless entities in our narrative, not able to set or enforce their own boundaries. Their needs are not considered and their bodies are not respected.

 

The rabbis attempt to explain away both these incidents, as if they did not happen. Mishnah tells us that the affair between Reuben and Bilhah should be read in public, but should never be translated. The rabbis teach us that Dinah’s rape was a punishment for Jacob or for Leah. They do not consider the impact on her.

 

Yet these events of uninvited touch contrast greatly to the powerful moment of consensual touch that occurs during the reunion of Jacob and Esau. Jacob approached his brother cautiously, bowing to the ground seven times before him. Esau saw Jacob’s invitation and ran to him to embrace him. Here touch is beautiful, it is a peace offering. Their touch turned the threat that they anticipated into a moment of safety and comfort. The brothers were then able to move on in life.

 

As a vaccine makes it possible to see one another again, we must think about how we will greet one another, how we will use our touch. It is our duty to make sure that no one is alienated by a misplaced gesture.  We need to not place our own boundaries on others without their consent. Rather we need to be patient, to allow others to articulate their levels of comfort.

 

Orthodox Jews have been more cautious with their touch long before the threat of coronavirus. The prohibition of Shomer negiah, literally translated as ‘observant of the touch’ applies to both men and women equally. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, a 20th century Orthodox legal scholar, wrote greatly about the necessity of understanding the intention of a touch. He acknowledged that sometimes touch is unavoidable, for example on busy public transport. In these cases, he wrote, “Such physical contact involves no prohibition, because it does not contain any element of lust or desire”

 

According to some scholars, all touch is prohibited, including touch that is performed to minimise the embarrassment of others, like shaking a hand when it is extended to you.

According to these scholars, Shomer Negiah works as an act of protection. Although a gesture of polite formality may not have lustful or sexual intentions, it is better to have boundaries in place in order to help everyone feel safe and comfortable with their actions. In this case, it is easier not to touch, than to touch and cause offense.

 

Now, I am not trying to suggest that we all become shomer negiah, stopping touching at all times, but I believe we too should become more observant of the touch.

 

At the root of Shomer negiah is the idea of protection and respect. In all aspects of our Jewish lives, we protect the things that are important to us.  Our Torah scroll is protected by the Aron Ha’kodesh, the Torah itself by fence laws. How much more so should we be doing this for our own bodies?

 

The pandemic can act as a reset for many of us, a time to think about our own boundaries. Touch is no longer a given, we should no longer expect that people will feel comfortable with the same things that we do. We should be ready to think about our boundaries and create them for ourselves. We need to protect one another not from sexual touch as implied by shomer negiah, but from a touch that could be life threatening, both physically and mentally.

 

Our bodies are holy vessels, they are ours and no one else’s. We need to create more sanctity around touch, knowing that we do not have a right to touch other people, nor do they have a right to touch us. When we are invited to partake in the privilege of human touch, we should view it as a sacred moment, not something we can take for granted.

 

Over this period of time, studies have shown that in-person interactions, even without touch, still have a big effect on our levels of oxytocin. And for those who still feel wary about going out, staying in touch via video calls has been seen to be 80% effective in helping us to create interpersonal relations and facilitate that same oxytocin release.

 

So, as we move closer to a time when vaccination means we are able to be reunited, when casual touch becomes once again part of our daily routine, we must remain observant of the sanctity of touch. We must respect everybody’s decisions and treat them graciously, even if their practices are different from our own. We must not embarrass people who do not yet feel comfortable with touch, or who may not wish to touch in a casual way again.

 

May we feel empowered to touch only when we give our consent. May we respect the boundaries set by others. And may we treat every touch as sacred.